I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
