No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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