Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
