got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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