her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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