I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
