Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
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