morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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