OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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