Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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