I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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