My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
