Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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