just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
