I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize