so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Randomize
