What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
