She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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