yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
