Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
