I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
