my phone needs a breathalizer
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Every concussion has its silver lining
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
