i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
