There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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