my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Maybe he injected his testicle?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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