im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
