What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
