No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
