i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
