Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
