Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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