I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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