a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
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