My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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