I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
