she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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