So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
