I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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