his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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