I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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