you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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