my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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