Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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