I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
