I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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