I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
