MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So many bounce houses so little time
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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