Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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