some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
