I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
