ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
