she woke up with a sticky ear
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
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Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
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You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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