I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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