when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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