People with herpes should wear stickers.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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