my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
