my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I love having hate sex.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
