I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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