No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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