I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
