I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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